Do you need answers to everything before starting treatment with egg donation?

Happy couple with newborn posing for photo
Tone Bråten

March 25, 2021

Happy couple with newborn posing for photo

There are many questions you want to be answered before egg donation and assisted reproduction. But not all questions can be answered - and many do not need to have answers in advance.

Going through treatment with egg donation can promote some thoughts and questions in future parents. We all want to be good parents, and we can quickly bring out the child perspective even before the pregnancy occurs.

It is perfectly normal to have questions such as: Do I want to feel that the child is mine, do I want to connect with the child? When should I tell the child that it has come into the world through donation? Will the child reject me?

  • Do I want to feel that the child is mine, do I want to connect with the child?
  • When should I tell the child that it has come into the world through donation?
  • Will the child reject me?

We will address some of these questions and hopefully come to the realisation that not all questions can be answered before egg donation, and that one can still manage to start treatment with an inner confidence that it will go well.

First and foremost, I must emphasise that it is love and the mother and father instinct that underlies the desire for children. The need to create a family lies naturally in us. We are born with two very strong instincts - one is the reproductive instinct, and the other is the survival instinct.

When we meet resistance on one of these two instincts, it triggers us very strongly, and it in itself can be the driving force that gets us forward in a children's project that was different from what we had envisioned.

If you look closely at the questions that I have outlined above, you will see that all the questions are future-oriented, and there are no conclusions or statistics on the answer. Negative thoughts that we can not answer or have evidence of are called pondering and worrying thoughts.

The challenge for many egg donation patients is that they have been through unsuccessful IVF attempts with their eggs in advance and are tired. It is difficult to deal with worry when tired and have little energy. These thoughts are not productive and developing for us - they slow down the process and drain us of energy. At the same time, it is perfectly normal to evaluate back and forth, putting the positive against the negative, when making such an important decision as creating a child using egg donation.

So over to the unanswered questions:

It is not always possible to think our way to a solution. We actually have to experience. We must experience what it is like to get pregnant, experience how we naturally attach to the baby in the womb and experience how to create a bond with the baby - regardless of where the egg cell came from. We must experience the joy of the created child. This is a feeling and experience that is difficult to plan and think about in advance.

It is important to have inner confidence in oneself and one's own ability to care.

Ask yourself; Do you love people who are not in a genetic family?

What would you do if a child was placed outside your door and you discovered it on the way out? Would you step over, or would you take it up and show the child care? Most likely you would have done the latter. The ability to care is natural in us.

How the relationship with your child will be, and when and how to convey to the child that it is of donation, will depend on the child's personality.

Most people who go through treatment with donation, is most concerned with hair colour, eye colour, height and weight. This is, of course, to match the look. What will be more crucial for relationship building and connection is the child's personality.

Therefore, it will be difficult to think about and plan in detail how the relationship will develop.

When and how to convey to the child that it is by donation, will also depend on the child's personality. There will be two different ways to convey to a "hard-boiled" child, or a more sensitive child. You can not know in advance of pregnancy what personality your baby will have.

Many people are afraid that they will be rejected by the child when it is in their teens because they are not genetic parents. It is important to convey to the child at an early age, between 5-8 years, about the egg donation so that this does not come as a surprise to a teenager.

It is the parents who are the background for the child's existence and it is important to convey this. All teenage children will find their parents' "weak" point and use it for a period of time for what it's worth. This is how it is to be a teenager.

Then it is important to stand in the pride, security and love, and not least the gratitude for being a parent, so that the donation will not be a "weak" point.

As I describe above, there are feelings, thoughts and actions we can not plan in detail. We must understand that there are certain things in life that need time to develop and mature.

It is the love story you are going to convey to your child, the story of how it came to this world with the help of you as parents.

You are in the process of creating the introduction to this story, it is not necessary or possible to get an answer to either the main part or the conclusion right now. Right now, the introduction and confidence of positive action and end are enough.

Get started!

Tone Bråten

Tone is a family therapist with fertility as a special field.

Couples and singles who undergo fertility treatment at Klinikk Hausken are offered guidance and emotional support by Tone as part of the treatment.

Tone also provides professional guidance before starting treatment at Klinikk Hausken. A session with Tone can be helpful for those who are trying to get pregnant at home or for those who are in the process of donating.

Read more about how a family therapist can help you. You can also contact Tone if you have any questions.

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